an unfortunate tryst with destiny

Its 3:51 A.M , I just returned from my college and i am feeling exhausted. well as far as writing this blog is concerned i have been thinking about it since last one year but fortunately i started with it tonight. Summers of 2010 in my opinion taught me a lot, I have lost an old Friend who was there with me since past 22 years. o6-04-2010 was the worst day of my life at 10:47 a.m Doctors declared him to be dead. I never show and may be through out my life i will never show for some reasons.But the truth is "I miss him" and i know there is no replacement. Though I have lied a thousand times in my life and have never felt guilty of doing so. But one lie , Which i told my mother to be specific i must say a white lie. I looked right into her eyes and told her that"MAA don't worry dad will b fine" and i was already told by doctors that he would not survive more than 24 hours.This lie made me hate myself. I tried everything.Visited all mosques,Temples & gurdwaras but god did not listen to me this time. I did everything to save him but unfortunately could not and would always regret because i believe may be my efforts were not sufficient or i lacked in something or may be the almighty thinks , I don't deserve a Father. First Few days i Could not believe he has gone forever. Every time my phone rang i thought it was my dad who is calling.Pinched a hundred times on my skin praying god to prove this phase of my life to be a nightmare. But i guess God is annoyed , I don't know what bad have i done.With every micro second that passes by makes me miss him more and more. Maa is a strong lady or may be she tries and hides her pain so that i control my emotions but as far as i know her i know she has completely broken from inside and she does not reveal because she knows everything. I am crying while writing this blog and I i guess i would be the first guy on earth who is crying while writing his first blog.

today its been around a months time and to b honest sometimes i still expect his calls in the evening( mostly he used to call me in the evening time). Everyone loves their Dad and everyone believes his/her dad to be a superhero, A Cowboy , Magician and God. So did I like a small child, I believed in all those things until 06-04-2010.But soon after this date i realized he was very normal & very average like any other human being on earth, who could not resist a head injury and died battling with death . I was out of my illusions and i stepped into a brand new real (harsh and shabby) life. Where i had to start my life from level O.

Sometimes i don't know why but i think "Have i been a good son?" there can be two possible answers to this question............

Ans.1. Yes, Dinesh Sharma You have been a good son.

&

Ans.2. No, I have not

I am not sure about the answer, but i console myself by telling myself to be responsible and take care of maa and give her all the possible luxuries she deserves.

I also keep telling myself that this is a phase of life and one should enjoy each and every phase of his life rather than crying, though I don't know how can one enjoy when he is in this state. I am getting late as i had to go to drop my cousin sister (Ekta) at New Delhi Railway Station as she is going to alwar & than i have my practical at 9:00 A.m and its already 5:02 A.m. I will have a hectic and tight schedule today.

Dinesh Sharma