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while introspecting myself I realized that introspection is a never ending process. Introspection is really necessary sometimes in life,Sometime when u don't know which path or which way to choose(Introspection helps you). Introspection sometime can mislead u and even sometimes can boost your morale to an high level( higher and mighty than Mt. Everest may be). I don't know whether i have introspected myself rightly or this introspection has mis leaded me. All i know at this point of time is that "Life is no more a fairy tale for me and it has shown its true colors". I am in despair and there is no hope left i feel there is no escape this time. Its a clear one on one fight with life. I know there is no escape, I will have to face it, Accept it & Win it.

While Introspecting myself i have also realized that i have transformed not completely. But yes, I have transformed into a good Human being. On this quest to start a new life i know only one thing that anyhow I will have to survive and fight the challenges.

Introspection

Yesterday, After writing the blog "An unfortunate tryst with destiny" i felt a bit relieved. I don't know why but may be because i had many things inside me which i wanted to tell but i did not. The second blog i named it "Introspection" i heard this word yesterday and i was so moved by this word. the literal meaning of this word is "Contemplation of one's own thoughts, feelings, and sensations; self-examination."

When i self-Examined myself there were several things( Good and bad) i found about me. I found where do i stand, i found how strong am I internally though i am physically very weak, Am I insecure about the future or am i too dumb to think about it, Am i walking the right road , do i have a right company ,How should i behave now (maturely or should behave like a 22 years old spoiled boy) , My attitude towards people should be changed now?

There were several other questions which arose in my mind. And my inner sense could answer all the questions except one question one question which i was not able to answer " why am i Faking myself ?" why i can not be like before like a mirror i reflected everything i saw very clearly, Why do i have to think now before speaking to everyone around me? I could not find answers to this question.

While Introspecting myself I also discovered how much my Dad''s death has transformed me. Now I have started to see things in a broad manner in a larger way in a way an adult should see. And one other thing I discovered me was that i was among those people who took there decisions by listening to their Instincts. I never heard what my brain said i always followed my instincts.

Though there were several questions which were unanswered but still i got to find something about me which i never knew before. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .To be continued

an unfortunate tryst with destiny

Its 3:51 A.M , I just returned from my college and i am feeling exhausted. well as far as writing this blog is concerned i have been thinking about it since last one year but fortunately i started with it tonight. Summers of 2010 in my opinion taught me a lot, I have lost an old Friend who was there with me since past 22 years. o6-04-2010 was the worst day of my life at 10:47 a.m Doctors declared him to be dead. I never show and may be through out my life i will never show for some reasons.But the truth is "I miss him" and i know there is no replacement. Though I have lied a thousand times in my life and have never felt guilty of doing so. But one lie , Which i told my mother to be specific i must say a white lie. I looked right into her eyes and told her that"MAA don't worry dad will b fine" and i was already told by doctors that he would not survive more than 24 hours.This lie made me hate myself. I tried everything.Visited all mosques,Temples & gurdwaras but god did not listen to me this time. I did everything to save him but unfortunately could not and would always regret because i believe may be my efforts were not sufficient or i lacked in something or may be the almighty thinks , I don't deserve a Father. First Few days i Could not believe he has gone forever. Every time my phone rang i thought it was my dad who is calling.Pinched a hundred times on my skin praying god to prove this phase of my life to be a nightmare. But i guess God is annoyed , I don't know what bad have i done.With every micro second that passes by makes me miss him more and more. Maa is a strong lady or may be she tries and hides her pain so that i control my emotions but as far as i know her i know she has completely broken from inside and she does not reveal because she knows everything. I am crying while writing this blog and I i guess i would be the first guy on earth who is crying while writing his first blog.

today its been around a months time and to b honest sometimes i still expect his calls in the evening( mostly he used to call me in the evening time). Everyone loves their Dad and everyone believes his/her dad to be a superhero, A Cowboy , Magician and God. So did I like a small child, I believed in all those things until 06-04-2010.But soon after this date i realized he was very normal & very average like any other human being on earth, who could not resist a head injury and died battling with death . I was out of my illusions and i stepped into a brand new real (harsh and shabby) life. Where i had to start my life from level O.

Sometimes i don't know why but i think "Have i been a good son?" there can be two possible answers to this question............

Ans.1. Yes, Dinesh Sharma You have been a good son.

&

Ans.2. No, I have not

I am not sure about the answer, but i console myself by telling myself to be responsible and take care of maa and give her all the possible luxuries she deserves.

I also keep telling myself that this is a phase of life and one should enjoy each and every phase of his life rather than crying, though I don't know how can one enjoy when he is in this state. I am getting late as i had to go to drop my cousin sister (Ekta) at New Delhi Railway Station as she is going to alwar & than i have my practical at 9:00 A.m and its already 5:02 A.m. I will have a hectic and tight schedule today.

Dinesh Sharma